Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them