Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
estão todos miauvindo?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.