Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
one of
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*