Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?