Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

The first one, obviously

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Good morning