Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

sweet dreams💖

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

This is Sparta

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

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