[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
You Might Also Like
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…