Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

she has a point

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

wtf is a larm clock?

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?