“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
in 3 months
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.