“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
You Might Also Like
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target