“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.