Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?