Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
reminder
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
#catsoftwitter
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
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