Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES