Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.