Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy