@The_MartiniGirl

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

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@KingRainhead

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

@HatfieldAnne

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

@fishbowel

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

@JohnLyonTweets

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

@impaulmccoy

I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.

@Sourcoast

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

@MollyRingwraith

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

@krisv_723

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*