Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”