Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?