Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things