Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
You Might Also Like
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.