Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor