Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
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A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I want what they have
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right