Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
