Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.