Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.