*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.