Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

If you love someone, let them sleep.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.