[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
A friend sent me this.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k