Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]