[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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Yup.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?