Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

dril cadence

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG