*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
You Might Also Like
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Hello Twits.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?