*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.