*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.