Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.