Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Its true…

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.