Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

❄️

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.