chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage