ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off