ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.