ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
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I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Miscakes
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids