ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
You Might Also Like
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
