Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
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Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”