Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
😭😭😭
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My life coach traded me.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
