Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Match dot com, but for socks.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I only look at Wordle for the articles