[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I will never stop laughing at this
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary