[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Posting this on behalf of a friend
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
🤣🤣🤣
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Windows
