[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
You Might Also Like
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.