Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?