Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
You Might Also Like
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
