Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.