Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.