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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Does beer think about me too?
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing