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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
