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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed