Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I’m putting together a team

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.