Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.