Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me: