Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.