*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
You Might Also Like
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know