*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Sing it!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off