Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Saving my good tweets for marriage

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

This guy’s not having it 😆

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”