Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur